Hi, let me introduce myself: my name is Wilmer Edricson, and I’ll be taking over this website. I saw my opportunity after the departure of Kotow Shergar, who was short-sighted to give up a job working for free.

Working for free is often more lucrative than working for pay, since it gives you a chance to sue your employer for unpaid wages.

____________________________________________

Here are a few reasons suing is better than working for a straight paycheck:

1) You Can Get More Work. before hiring you for a job Employers usually consider factors like how much money they can afford to pay you, or what your work is worth to them. If it’s not worth it, they won’t hire you. Don’t give them that option. Work, ostensibly for free, and then demand payment later. Don’t forget that…

2) You Can Name Your Own Wages. Come into the lawsuit with an idea of how much your work is worth, that may not be based at all on market forces. Just make a website or a flier that says something like

Wilmer Edricson

1. High-Quality Writing and Composition
2. $1.00 Per Word

and use it as evidence that that is what you “normally charge.”

3) You Can Scare Them. Whether or not your case has any merit, it makes your employer look bad. They might pay you off to prevent it from going to court and ruining their name. They can’t counter-threaten you with ruining your own good name because…

4) What You’re Doing Is Ethical. Which brings us to the topic of this article: Ethics. What are they? What can you use an ethic for? I didn’t bother to find out. What I do know is there are two important questions in any ethical dilemma: what you can get away with, and whether it’s worth it.

TWO QUESTIONS OF ETHICS:

1. Can you get away with it?
2. Is there any profit in it?

Example: You catch your wife in bed with another man. Is it ethical to kill him and her? Well, you probably couldn’t get away with it, and there’s no profit in it. So to murder them would be unethical.

In the world of business, you may come across some innovative way to make more money, and wonder, “is it ethical?” Assuming it’s a good (profitable) idea, all you need to do is figure out how to get away with it. Do this first by covering it up, and then by aggressively defending it once your cover is blown.

To convince others that what you’re doing is okay, you must first convince yourself. Here’s what to keep in mind:

A) Everybody’s doing it. Everyone cheats. Or at least they could. And if they could, why wouldn’t they? You would, so they probably would. The assholes. Why should you have to play by any different rules than them? Beat them at their own game.

B) You’re standing up for your rights. You have the right to do what you want to do. If you were to do anything different, it would be impinging on this right.

Keep to this plan, and you should be able to make any idea ethical. If you can’t think of your own, try to find someone else’s “unethical” idea, and make it ethical by doing it for yourself. If someone else is doing it, it’s a bad thing. If you’re doing it, you’re just playing the game.

Thanks for reading. Hopefully you can put this advice to good use, because if so, I’ll be coming for my percentage. That’s six hundred twenty five dollars worth of advice you just read for free.

Don’t be Needy, Be Succeedy

book reveiw by: Len Bakerloo

A precious few[1] believe L. Vaughan Spencer (L. Vo) is a tenth rate Tony Robbins, while everyone else[2] knows he is ten times the Motivitality guru the big T. Ro could ever be.

In his latest book, Don’t be Needy, be Succeedy, Spencer gives you everything you need to be a success; namely, the vocabulary. In a mere 248 pages (plus a bonus addendum[3]), you will find the words successful people use, and once you sound like one of them, you will become one of them. After all, if it quacks like a duck, it is a duck.[4] As an added bonus, this encyclopedic dictionary leaves off pronunciation clues because successful people do not waste their time with such things.

There is one exception that proves the rule – While the book was published as an “A to Zed” in Britain, it has been released for the U. S. market as an  “A to Zee,” because focus groups revealed that: 1)  we suspect that “zed” is not a word, and 2) while everyone can pronounce the first letter of our alphabet, the large minority of us with ADHD never made it to the end.

Think you are already a success?

Think again.

Take this simple test.

Have you heard of:

• Chromatic Intelligence?
• Retro Hetero?
• Urban Tribal Drumming?
• Succeederology?
• Brotox?

Add up your “no” answers. If the sum is zero or greater, then you are a failure. Need further proof? Successful people do not spend their time taking simple tests. Instead, they read L. Vo’s book and turn their Negatality into Positality.[5]

Don’t be Needy helps you hone your elevator speech with simple fill-in-the-blank forms: “I am great because…” “You should buy these because …” “Please go out with me because…” You will learn to re-write your resume, so as to cut through a hiring manager’s Emailistrom by turning your vacation on a tropical island into a “project in the developing world,” and by upgrading time spent in a Pub into “Hospitality Management” experience.

Before you make a final decision on purchasing this book, stare at the blank space below and allow its subliminal messages sink deep into your subconscious.

— Beginning of Subliminal Message —

You need this book.

You must have this book.

You have no choice but to buy this book.

Your life will turn to poop if you do not buy this book.

— End of Subliminal Message —

You will know when you have looked at this long enough because you will find yourself reaching for your credit card. Until this happens, keep staring.

When your book arrives, put it in your lavatory. You need not complete it in a single sitting; but before you know it, you will purge yourself of the bad, and you will begin to hear your body tell you that your needs have been met, and it is time to become Succeedy.

In summary:

This book is the only book you will ever need (unless you are a Christian, in which case you also need a Bible).

Get it.

(If you are illiterate, and someone is reading this review to you, then you will need to wait for the release of this book on CD. Although this will cost you six times as much as the book, it will make you six times the success. We know success is a function of money spent because L. Vaughn Spencer has a graph somewhere that says so.)

WATCH L. Vo. EXPLAIN HIMSELF:

[2] Me.

[3] Consisting of 2 printed pages and 9 blank ones for your notes (if you include the inside of the back cover).

[4] Or a quack.

[5] All Capitalized Words (ACWs) and Three Letter Acronyms (TLAs) in this article that do not qualify as crossword puzzle answers are copyrighted by L. Vaughan Spencer, with the exception of Negatality and Positality, which are available for license from Len Bakerloo. (Quantity discounts available.)

NOTE: Whatever you do, don’t believe those guys over at No Shortage of Work who think this guy’s real name is Neal Mullarky. They are full of malarky. Whatever you do, do not listen to their interview of Neal.

From: Len Bakerloo

To: Kotow Shergar

Kotow Dearest,

I’m pissed at you, so don’t think I am using “dearest” in any way other than that intended by Christina Crawford when referring to her mother, Joan, in her memoir, Mommy Dearest. (Never mind that Christina’s younger sister, Cindy, said the memoir was a fabrication… that is beside the point.)

How dare you leave us just because someone is willing to “pay” you “money.” Have you no principles? Don’t you see this for what it is, a bribe, pure and simple?

Have you done any research on this new “employer” of yours? They claim to be “America’s finest news source” but the quality of their “reporting” is abysmal. Those who take them seriously end up with egg on their faces. Consider when the Beijing Evening News picked up on the report that Congress threatened to leave Washington D. C. unless a new Capitol was built for them. Or when a Danish TV station used their story that Sean Penn demanded to know “What asshole took SeanPen@gmail.com?” And then there was the time MSNBC re-ran the “news” that 58 percent of all the exercise perfomed in the U. S. A. is televised.

These guys seem to just sit around making stuff up. Actually, now that I think about it, this might be the perfect job for you. It isn’t clear you did the slightest bit of research when you “worked” here.

If you ever decide to write a story for us again, Kotow, you’d better plan on filing it under an assumed name because you’re personal non grata here – you traitor.

You should know that we are henceforth announcing our CAMPAIGN TO REPLACE YOU.

Any readers out there interested in Kotow’s Job? We didn’t pay Kotow anything, but we clearly paid him more than he was worth. We can offer you the same terms.

IF YOU WANT TO WRITE FOR US, SEND AN EMAIL TO:

len@HumongousShortageOfWork.com.

You’ll probably be glad you did.

See, Kotow, you’re good as gone and almost as good as replaced.

Yours truly, with utmost low regard,

Len Bakerloo

PS. Why do you look so happy in this new picture of yours?

by Kotow Shergar

…

Is spelling really that important on a cover letter?

I) A potential employer is considering several candidates with powerful resumes. Let’s say that you have a 3.82 GPA from Harvard, but the other has a 3.86 from Princeton. You have worked for the #11 and #17 ranked companies in Fortune, but the other has worked for #8 and #20. How does an employer decide?

II) A writing sample is required for the job, but you don’t have one and do not wish to create one. What can you give them to demonstrate your writing ability that does not require you to know anything about the job?

III) You try to pass your resume to a manager, but the manager will not read it without an introductory letter. How do you overcome the requirement?

A cover letter is the solution to all these scenarios. There are two ingredients to a great cover letter: a great master cover letter that says everything an employer needs to hear, and a specific job posting giving the particular info that you need. Let’s start with what your master cover letter should look like:

THE INTRO

Every cover letter starts the same way: “I would like to be considered for…” The tricky part is what comes next, which depends on what job you’re applying for, because it’s one of those exceptions to the rule of sending the same cover letter to every employer. As a placeholder, write “I would like to be considered for the $$ position at !!!”

Next, explain how you learned about the job. The mistake some people make is giving an unimpressive explanation. You should always say: “I learned about the job at an alumni function for [insert high-USNWR-ranking-school here] at which I was an invited guest.” This lets them know that you are invited to important alumni functions, and are thus worthy of being invited into their corporate family.

THE HOOK

After this opening, most people explain why they are a good candidate for the job. “Good candidate” is good, but it is best to say you are the “best candidate” for the job, which will inform the hiring manager that he or she should disregard all competing cover letters. Explain that you are uniquely qualified because of your combination of education, talents, and experiences, i.e. “I am the best candidate for this position because I am uniquely qualified by my education, talents, and experiences.”

THE BODY

The body of your cover letter should echo your resume: combine a high-powered school with high-powered internship experience and a healthy dose of the most current business buzzwords. You should recap your resume line for line, but this time add in the fact that you succeeded, excelled, or conquered, and that you developed excellent skills and talents.

For example: “Harvard University B.A., Business Administration and Macroeconomics (double major)” becomes, “At Harvard, I conquered a rigorous course load to excel in the successful completion of a double major in business administration and macroeconomics, and developed excellent writing, analytical, and financial skills along with a sharp mind that can solve any problem.”

Applying this wording to each item on your resume will also serve to lengthen your cover letter, demonstrating you are capable of writing large quantities of text and thus handling a large workload.

THE BRIDGE

Next, you have to connect the body of your cover letter back to the current job. Keep it simple with something like, “due to these myriad skills and experiences, I would be an ideal $$ at !!!”

THE CLOSING

Finally, thank the hiring manager for his/her time, say that you are excited about the position and await an interview, write “sincerely,” and be on your way.

Now you have a great master cover letter from which you can generate any number of other cover letters. Here’s how to do it:

THE SEARCH

First, find a desirable position. Craigslist.org and Monster.com are great, but a premium job site like TheLadders.com is even better because the jobs on The Ladders pay more money.

Here is one I pulled off Monster: “Sterling National Bank, with offices in Midtown New York City, Queens, Nassau, and Westchester, was founded in 1929. Sterling serves the needs of businesses, professionals and individuals by offering a broad array of financial products and services combined with a unique high-touch approach to customer service. Sterling National Bank is…

The Operations Manager will manage the daily functions which facilitate loan activity within the warehouse lending portfolio. This includes the processing of daily funding, shipment and repayment of loan advances through highly automated systems and addressing and resolving any loan exceptions.

From this description, you can pull the two key phrases: “Sterling National Bank” and “operations manager.” Find your master cover letter on Microsoft Word, and use the “find and replace” function. Replace “$$” with “operations manager” and “!!!” with “Sterling National Bank.” Save your cover letter.

Next you want to personalize your cover letter with the name of the head of HR at Sterling National Bank. This quadruples your chances of being hired. Imagine you are the secretary to Sterling National Bank HR Director Stacy Miller (I won’t tell you the real name of the HR head because it took me six hours to acquire that information), then contemplate the two scenari here:

A) You receive a cover letter through Monster.com from somebody that you do not know, and it begins “Dear Sir or Madam” or “To whom it may concern.”

B) You receive a cover letter through Monster.com from somebody that you do not know, and it begins, “Dear Stacy Miller.”

In scenario A, you will read this letter and discard the application, because you do not know to whom it is intended. In scenario B, you will be about to discard this letter, and then you will notice Stacy’s name on it. This letter requires Stacy’s personal attention. You will drop everything you are doing and run screaming into Stacy’s office. “Stacy! Stacy!” Eventually, with the interpersonal skills that landed her atop the HR department, Stacy will convince you to stop shouting. “What is it?” she will ask. Out of breath, you will reply:“We got this cover letter in response to the Monster.com ad. It is addressed directly to you!”

So, writing the name of the HR director on your letter will ensure that it is taken seriously, and that your door-opening resume makes it into those powerful hands. It is not important to know anything about the HR director (or hiring manager, or personnel supervisor): all you need to know is that this may be the person in charge of your fate.

If you have followed these steps, you should be receiving a call in no time from a top firm. If you keep on your game at the interview, you can be behind a desk in no time, collecting a paycheck and working on securing interviews for a better position at a rival firm.

————————————————————

*using the plural form “scenari” instead of “scenarios” will earn you some points in the eyes of a professional recruiter (approximately 2 Standard Prestige Points).

I’m going to write briefly on an article I found on No Shortage of Work, which has no shortage of terrible advice on job-searching. Case in point is this article on How to Interview in which No Shortage of Work Grand Swindler Brooke Allen argues that you should “interview like a reporter.”

I’m not sure what you are supposed to gain by emulating low-level employees in a profession that never made much money to begin with and has been in a steady decline over the last two decades, but it sure ain’t a high-paying job.

Not me.

My goal is to get a job. The only thing I’m interested in learning is learning that I got the job. Or how much it pays.

He says, “It is important that you take notes.”

I took enough notes at school to get a 3.83 at Princeton (or a 3.94 at Harvard, I’m now telling people). I think I know a thing or two about note-taking, and what I know is that if I’m not being tested on it, I’m not doing it.

And, “Take some time and write up your notes in more formal prose.”

I used to pay a kid to do this for my notes in college. Or my parents paid him, if you want to look at it that way. Either way, I’m not doing any secretary labor like that.

Sure. Find an angle to get something out of this person. I agree with this.

“Make the conversation be about the WORK.”

This is a classic mistake. The interviewer knows more about the work than you do, so there’s no chance to impress them with your superiority in this field. Steer the conversation to your accomplishments - if they’re real, you experienced them firsthand, and if they’re fake then only you can possibly know the details.

“Look for every opportunity to interview people, and there is a good chance you’ll get job offers without needing to answer ads or go on “job” interviews.”

What’s wrong with answering ads or going on job interviews? Those are conversations specifically designed to lead to jobs. Anything else is just a waste of your time.

That’s all there is to say about that. I’d like to interview with this Brooke Allen and show him a thing or two about how it’s really done, but he wouldn’t give me a real job offer so I’m not wasting my time.

And if you go, print out lots of copies to hand out.

CLICK ON THE IMAGE FOR FULL SIZE – READY FOR PRINTING

by Kotow Shergar

I have said before on this website that due to a poor job market you are deeply screwed, and there is nothing you can do about it. That is not exactly true.

There are only two things you can use to get a job, and they are called the Resume and the Cover Letter.

The purpose of these documents is to a trick an employer into hiring you as an employee. Once you’re hired, your mission is accomplished. You can collect the salary of that job, and add it to your resume; you can then pass your more powerful resume around, and collect a higher salary. It is a never-ending Jacob’s Ladder of success.

However, you can’t begin to climb this ladder unless your documents are strong enough to begin with. Today we’ll be discussing how to make a perfect resume, no matter who you are and what job you want.

At the top of your page, put your name and contact info. This is the one place where you really get to make the resume your own, because the rest of it will have very little to do with you personally.

Next, put the most relevant experience. Some people put a job here, but it’s better to put your education. It may take a long time to read through what you actually did at a job, but with education you can immediately combine a prestigious name and a high number to brand yourself as the ideal candidate.

The schools you should use are the following: Harvard, Yale, and Princeton, Stanford if you’re on the West Coast, MIT if you’re applying for a technical job, CalTech if you’re applying for a technical job on the West Coast, and Oxford or Cambridge if you can pull off a British accent. If you actually went to any of these schools, use that one: otherwise, choose the school whose color best matches your eyes.

I currently use Princeton 3.83 with a business degree, but since I’ve been unemployed for awhile, I’m considering upgrading to Harvard 3.94 with a double major in business and macroeconomics.

With education like that, any hiring manager will be salivating over your resume, and will check to see if you have the relevant work experience.

Of foremost importance is where you worked. Pick a few Fortune 100 companies located in New York, Los Angeles, or Washington, D.C.. Give yourself some titles with “executive” and “administrative” in the name. Great! Now you have to fill in the details.

Nobody has time to check on what you actually did, so you have to inform them by using the appropriate buzzwords. Some traditional ones are:

But you should always be scanning business articles for new buzzwords, in order to adapt your resume to the changing needs of businesses. Today, they want people who have:

Finally, it’s good to throw in some interests, to make yourself seem like a well-rounded person. A truly ambitious job-seeker will find the interests of his or her hiring manager, and learn to feign them, but it’s good to have a default interest set for any job. If any of your friends have done anything interesting – hiking, hang-gliding, building things in their spare time – ask them about whatever they’ve been done. They’ll be glad to talk about it, and you’ll be reaping the rewards of their interests without having to actually put in the work.

With a resume like that, all you’ll need as a killer cover letter, and we’ll discuss how to build one of those next week.

Charlie Hoehn wrote an e-book called “The Recession-Proof Graduate” that he published online for free. He claims to explain how a recent college graduate can become recession-proof and get a job even in tough economic times.  I didn’t read it, and neither should you. It’s bullshit.

Working for Free Leads to a Job? Good luck with that!

It’s hard to get a job in this recession – that’s why you’re on this site. Millions of people are out of jobs, and you’re one of them. Even if you’re a graduate of one of the top schools in the country, you could still be out of a job. If an expensive education does not guarantee success, this is proof that things suck and there’s nothing you can do about it.

I assume Hoehn says that there is something you can do about your situation. But, in fact, there is not, so don’t read what he has to say.

You are deeply screwed, and blaming yourself cannot help you out of it. Whatever his argument, it probably relies on the idea of you helping yourself. It is therefore impossible and not worth trying.

Based on what I have read about what he has written, Hoehn goes on to advise people to work for free, which is foolish at any time, but especially during a recession when there is less money to go around. The surest way to get money is to demand it. When money is scarce, only those who ask for it will receive it. By not asking for money for his own book, Hoehn demonstrates his ignorance of this basic law of economics.

Again, I’ve never read a page of “The Recession-Proof Graduate.” That’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made, and I hope you can make that decision too. The best that can be said for this book is that it’s free, so it’s not a waste of your money. It is, however, a waste of your time, which could be better spent telling people what to do with their time.