Money is what makes Capitalism go around. Help someone without pay and you’re a Communist. Don’t waste your time if it won’t be on the test. You can learn everything you need to know from reality TV. Work for nothing and you’ll set your pay scale forever. Don’t do anybody any favors; it sets a bad precedent. Give someone a leg up, and they’ll piss on you.
You are welcome to submit your work to us for publication, but we hope someone else is paying you because we sure as hell won’t.
And, remember, whatever happens, it isn’t our fault. And it isn’t your fault.
A precious few[1] believe L. Vaughan Spencer (L. Vo) is a tenth rate Tony Robbins, while everyone else[2] knows he is ten times the Motivitality guru the big T. Ro could ever be.
In his latest book, Don’t be Needy, be Succeedy, Spencer gives you everything you need to be a success; namely, the vocabulary. In a mere 248 pages (plus a bonus addendum[3]), you will find the words successful people use, and once you sound like one of them, you will become one of them. After all, if it quacks like a duck, it is a duck.[4] As an added bonus, this encyclopedic dictionary leaves off pronunciation clues because successful people do not waste their time with such things.
There is one exception that proves the rule – While the book was published as an “A to Zed” in Britain, it has been released for the U. S. market as an “A to Zee,” because focus groups revealed that: 1) we suspect that “zed” is not a word, and 2) while everyone can pronounce the first letter of our alphabet, the large minority of us with ADHD never made it to the end.
Think you are already a success?
Think again.
Take this simple test.
Have you heard of:
Chromatic Intelligence?
Retro Hetero?
Urban Tribal Drumming?
Succeederology?
Brotox?
Add up your “no” answers. If the sum is zero or greater, then you are a failure. Need further proof? Successful people do not spend their time taking simple tests. Instead, they read L. Vo’s book and turn their Negatality into Positality.[5]
Don’t be Needy helps you hone your elevator speech with simple fill-in-the-blank forms: “I am great because…” “You should buy these because …” “Please go out with me because…” You will learn to re-write your resume, so as to cut through a hiring manager’s Emailistrom by turning your vacation on a tropical island into a “project in the developing world,” and by upgrading time spent in a Pub into “Hospitality Management” experience.
Before you make a final decision on purchasing this book, stare at the blank space below and allow its subliminal messages sink deep into your subconscious.
— Beginning of Subliminal Message —
You need this book.
You must have this book.
You have no choice but to buy this book.
Your life will turn to poop if you do not buy this book.
— End of Subliminal Message —
You will know when you have looked at this long enough because you will find yourself reaching for your credit card. Until this happens, keep staring.
When your book arrives, put it in your lavatory. You need not complete it in a single sitting; but before you know it, you will purge yourself of the bad, and you will begin to hear your body tell you that your needs have been met, and it is time to become Succeedy.
In summary:
This book is the only book you will ever need (unless you are a Christian, in which case you also need a Bible).
Get it.
(If you are illiterate, and someone is reading this review to you, then you will need to wait for the release of this book on CD. Although this will cost you six times as much as the book, it will make you six times the success. We know success is a function of money spent because L. Vaughn Spencer has a graph somewhere that says so.)
[5] All Capitalized Words (ACWs) and Three Letter Acronyms (TLAs) in this article that do not qualify as crossword puzzle answers are copyrighted by L. Vaughan Spencer, with the exception of Negatality and Positality, which are available for license from Len Bakerloo. (Quantity discounts available.)
I’m pissed at you, so don’t think I am using “dearest” in any way other than that intended by Christina Crawford when referring to her mother, Joan, in her memoir, Mommy Dearest. (Never mind that Christina’s younger sister, Cindy, said the memoir was a fabrication… that is beside the point.)
How dare you leave us just because someone is willing to “pay” you “money.” Have you no principles? Don’t you see this for what it is, a bribe, pure and simple?
These guys seem to just sit around making stuff up. Actually, now that I think about it, this might be the perfect job for you. It isn’t clear you did the slightest bit of research when you “worked” here.
If you ever decide to write a story for us again, Kotow, you’d better plan on filing it under an assumed name because you’re personal non grata here – you traitor.
You should know that we are henceforth announcing our CAMPAIGN TO REPLACE YOU.
Any readers out there interested in Kotow’s Job? We didn’t pay Kotow anything, but we clearly paid him more than he was worth. We can offer you the same terms.
In my last article, I wrote about how to craft the perfect resume to land any job. Achieving this level of perfection will not guarantee you will get a job, but it will make you the ideal candidate and ensure that your failure to be employed is the fault of someone or something else.
…
Is spelling really that important on a cover letter?
.
.
To understand why you might need a cover letter, consider the following three scenari*:
I) A potential employer is considering several candidates with powerful resumes. Let’s say that you have a 3.82 GPA from Harvard, but the other has a 3.86 from Princeton. You have worked for the #11 and #17 ranked companies in Fortune, but the other has worked for #8 and #20. How does an employer decide?
II) A writing sample is required for the job, but you don’t have one and do not wish to create one. What can you give them to demonstrate your writing ability that does not require you to know anything about the job?
III) You try to pass your resume to a manager, but the manager will not read it without an introductory letter. How do you overcome the requirement?
A cover letter is the solution to all these scenarios. There are two ingredients Read more…
HOW TO INTERVIEW FOR ANY JOB, OTHER THAN AS A REPORTER
I’m going to write briefly on an article I found on No Shortage of Work, which has no shortage of terrible advice on job-searching.Case in point is this article on How to Interview in which No Shortage of Work Grand SwindlerBrooke Allen argues that you should “interview like a reporter.”
I’m not sure what you are supposed to gain by emulating low-level employees in a profession that never made much money to begin with and has been in a steady decline over the last two decades, but it sure ain’t a high-paying job.
Here’s what else Allen said: “When you interview someone, your goal is to learn something.”
Not me.
My goal is to get a job. The only thing I’m interested in learning is learning that I got the job. Or how much it pays.
He says, “It is important that you take notes.”
I took enough notes at school to get a 3.83 at Princeton (or a 3.94 at Harvard, I’m now telling people). I think I know a thing or two about note-taking, and what I know is that if I’m not being tested on it, I’m not doing it.
And, “Take some time and write up your notes in more formal prose.”
I used to pay a kid to do this for my notes in college. Or my parents paid him, if you want to look at it that way. Either way, I’m not doing any secretary labor like that.
“Everything is interesting when viewed from the right angle.”
Sure. Find an angle to get something out of this person. I agree with this.
“Make the conversation be about the WORK.”
This is a classic mistake. The interviewer knows more about the work than you do, so there’s no chance to impress them with your superiority in this field. Steer the conversation to your accomplishments - if they’re real, you experienced them firsthand, and if they’re fake then only you can possibly know the details.
“Look for every opportunity to interview people, and there is a good chance you’ll get job offers without needing to answer ads or go on “job” interviews.”
What’s wrong with answering ads or going on job interviews? Those are conversations specifically designed to lead to jobs. Anything else is just a waste of your time.
That’s all there is to say about that. I’d like to interview with this Brooke Allen and show him a thing or two about how it’s really done, but he wouldn’t give me a real job offer so I’m not wasting my time.
I have said before on this website that due to a poor job market you are deeply screwed, and there is nothing you can do about it. That is not exactly true.
There are only two things you can use to get a job, and they are called the Resume and the Cover Letter.
The purpose of these documents is to a trick an employer into hiring you as an employee. Once you’re hired, your mission is accomplished. You can collect the salary of that job, and add it to your resume; you can then pass your more powerful resume around, and collect a higher salary. It is a never-ending Jacob’s Ladder of success.
However, you can’t begin to climb this ladder unless your documents are strong enough to begin with. Today we’ll be discussing how to make a perfect resume, no matter who you are and what job you want.
At the top of your page, put your name and contact info. This is the one place where you really get to make the resume your own, because the rest of it will have very little to do with you personally.
Charlie Hoehn wrote an e-book called “The Recession-Proof Graduate” that he published online for free. He claims to explain how a recent college graduate can become recession-proof and get a job even in tough economic times. I didn’t read it, and neither should you. It’s bullshit.
Working for Free Leads to a Job? Good luck with that!
It’s hard to get a job in this recession – that’s why you’re on this site. Millions of people are out of jobs, and you’re one of them. Even if you’re a graduate of one of the top schools in the country, you could still be out of a job. If an expensive education does not guarantee success, this is proof that things suck and there’s nothing you can do about it.
I assume Hoehn says that there is something you can do about your situation. But, in fact, there is not, so don’t read what he has to say.
You are deeply screwed, and blaming yourself cannot help you out of it. Whatever his argument, it probably relies on the idea of you helping yourself. It is therefore impossible and not worth trying.
Based on what I have read about what he has written, Hoehn goes on to advise people to work for free, which is foolish at any time, but especially during a recession when there is less money to go around. The surest way to get money is to demand it. When money is scarce, only those who ask for it will receive it. By not asking for money for his own book, Hoehn demonstrates his ignorance of this basic law of economics.
Again, I’ve never read a page of “The Recession-Proof Graduate.” That’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made, and I hope you can make that decision too. The best that can be said for this book is that it’s free, so it’s not a waste of your money. It is, however, a waste of your time, which could be better spent telling people what to do with their time.
Of course there is a humongous shortage of work.
If you're not working, what other explanation can there possibly be?
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